September 15, 2017

What's Your Frequency? Energetic Attraction

What's your Frequency? (I really want to add 'Kenneth' here)

I woke up at 5am this morning with a sudden clarity on why we are attracted to the people we are attracted to.  My unconscious had clearly been mulling it over as I slept and when I awoke I was amazed to discover that I had uncovered the secret to what draws one human being to another. (Well, perhaps I'm overstating it, but I don't care).

Allow me to explain...

Yesterday I had a session with my coaching client and we were talking about extroversion and introversion and the definition of each. A while ago I read that the true definition of an extrovert isn’t necessarily someone who is loud and confident; it’s someone who is energised by being around other people. An introvert is the opposite: not necessarily shy and quiet, just someone who recharges by being alone. 

This definition made sense to me; it seemed more straightforward than the well-known definitions because, as we all know, it depends on our mood and the company we’re in whether we are chatty and outgoing or quiet and shy.

Then before bed I was re-reading Jen Sincero’s You are a Badass – How to stop Doubting Your Greatness and Start Living an Awesome Life (one of the best books ever IMHO) and in it she talks about energy and how we vibrate at either a low or high frequency depending on what we’re ‘putting out there’ (eg. are we low frequency putting out negative energy in the form of being jealous, pessimistic etc, or high frequency positive energy in the form of being optimistic, encouraging, hopeful etc).

All this stuff makes sense to me – the Law of Attraction, Manifestation, asking the Universe etc. I love it all. So when I fell asleep my mind went to work and when I woke this morning I thought ‘That’s it!’*

Let me be clear - when I say the people we are attracted to, I simply mean the people we are drawn to. The people we decide we want to spend time with. The people we choose to become friends with.

Being attracted to someone, to me, means being pulled towards them energetically. They have the same frequency as I do. A bit like music I guess – I heard that we like the music we do because it resonates with us on a vibrational level. (I liked that explanation because I have never been able to understand why someone would enjoy listening to loud, hoarse shouting with a jumble of tuneless instruments. Now I do. It’s simply on their frequency and not mine.)

So when we meet someone who is on our frequency, our vibrations match and we draw energy from being in one another’s company. We are attracted to one another.

When I think of the people I spend my time with now, I know that they energise me. I love being in their company. I’m glad that they are my friends and that I am able to spend time with them because, even if we don’t necessarily like the same things or have the same opinions on stuff (which often we do, but still) I feel alive when I’m with them. I feel like I can conquer the world and deal with anything that comes my way. I feel great! (Emily, Kaukab, Karen – I love you)

(And while I'm thinking about it, this also could also explain why couples 'grow apart'. There may be other reasons, of course, but you know sometimes when people separate and they just look sad and say "I don't know why, we just grew apart. It just didn't feel right anymore"? It might be because their energies have changed. Maybe one of them has become more positively charged, while the other has stayed the same. Maybe one of them has a negative shift in energy - perhaps work is tough, or they are finding it hard getting old, whatever. Their energies just no longer align; or even worse, repel one another. And so, the affinity is lost and the couple has no choice but to either move on or live in an atmosphere of apathetic disconnect.)

So, if you have a friend who likes coffee, KFC and carbonara (which you think are yucky) and you like tea, cake and veggie lasagne (but they don’t – madness) it doesn’t mean you aren’t a good match. On paper you may not have much in common, but when you meet it’s like ‘Yeah! I’m alive! This is what it’s all about!’ It's that wonderfully ineffable joy that one feels when they are in the company of someone who they think is, well, wonderful.

It also, to my mind, explains why some of us don't have a 'type'. We may think we do, but then fall head over heels for someone who doesn't fit the bill at all. Or maybe none of our partners have been alike; some tall, some short; some dark, some fair etc. Either way, it seems that energetic attraction could explain this because it's not something we can see, so it's not something we can ascribe to someone as a 'quality' as such. It's just something that makes us sit up and take notice, something that transcends what only the eye can see.


Now this has all occurred to me I’m feeling more convinced than ever that dating apps are not the way to go. They just don’t cut the mustard. How on earth can you look at a photo and read a bio and decide that they are the one for you?

Are they good looking? Yeah

Do you share interests? Yep

Are you around the same age? Yep

So, you meet up with them and something just doesn’t feel right. You don't understand it! You say to your friends ‘I couldn’t quite put my finger on it but something was missing. He was great, but, I don't know. There wasn’t that spark, you know?’ Yes! I know. It’s because your energies were mismatched! Their aura didn’t compliment yours.  The chemistry wasn’t there because the ‘chemistry’ is actually the frequency at which you vibrate.

This means that you can indeed meet someone who you wouldn’t necessarily match yourself with on Tinder or POF or whatever, but when you are with them it feels like they are your Soul Mate (even though you don’t exactly know what that means). It’s why you feel so comfortable with them even though you haven’t known them for long. It’s why they have that charisma/ an aura/ an energetic field that you can sense. It’s because you ‘get’ each other. You’re pulled together like magnets. 

And you can’t tell if that’s the case until you are in the same room as them, in front of them - close enough to feel that intangible connection.

Now, I know all this might seem like an elaborate way of getting you to come to my Date Night events – it’s honestly not. When I had this realisation this morning I was so eager to share it I wanted to write this blog straight away. It’s just serendipity that it illustrates exactly why meeting other people in a room is so much better than swiping right or left according to the way they look or whether they prefer the Stones or The Beatles.


*Disclaimer: I am not saying no one has ever come up with this theory before! I’m sure they have. But I haven’t come across it in the way I understood it this morning and how much sense it all made to me. Just to be clear ;-)


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Rachael Blackmore

Rachael Blackmore is a qualified counsellor and relationship therapist. She focuses on helping you explore yourself and your patterns of behavior in order to find successful, committed relationship with a partner who deserves you! She provides support for men and women searching for The One and wondering why they haven't found them yet.

Rachael believes in the power of relationship: she will build a relationship with you where trust and acceptance facilitate open communication about the things that are troubling you. She is  passionate about her work and committed to helping you explore your difficult feelings and experiences to find a way to feel better and experience life differently. With a Diploma in Therapeutic Counselling, Rachael works as an integrative  therapist. This means she draws on the Person-Centred approach and  Psychodynamic theory to work collaboratively with you to improve your mental  and emotional well-being.

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