July 27, 2017

A Bit of Dating Advice for You…(if you want it)

A bit of dating advice for you…(if you want it)

‍We all know the heady feeling of desire when we meet someone new and begin a relationship with them. It’s exciting and excruciating in equal measure! We find ourselves reading into what they say and do; we day dream about them and our potential future with them; and sometimes we find ourselves making excuses for their poor behaviour because we want to carry on seeing them...

Well, if you recognise yourself in any of this, below is some advice that is something most of us don’t want to hear if we are in lust with someone, but I’m going to share it all the same ;-)

When you are starting out in a relationship, you have to be sure of, and uphold, your own personal boundaries. Sometimes people don’t treat us in a way that feels good – in fact, it leaves us with feelings of torment and confusion. For example, maybe they say they will call you at 7pm and then don’t call until 11pm. Maybe they don’t respond to your texts for a couple of days, or they never text first. Maybe they make plans to see you and then cancel at the last minute. You get the idea.

I think we can accept that these things may happen from time to time with good reason, but you need to be clear on how often you will accept the same inconsiderate treatment. So, you need to set your boundaries and stick to them. Do not accept behaviour that is below par, because in the long run it won’t lead to anything but heartache.

Your boundaries need to be principle centred, not romance centred. They need to reflect your attitudes, values and beliefs about what you deserve and what you want the rest of your life to consist of. Do you want to spend your life with someone you can rely on? Who will be considerate of you? Who is consistent in the way they behave towards you? The person you are dating might be gorgeous, but if they aren’t considerate or reliable now (at the beginning when they should be on their best behaviour!), there’s a good chance they won’t be in 10 years’ time (and they may not be quite so gorgeous by then either). And I’m pretty sure that’s not what you want.

No-one wants a relationship with someone who plays games or is flaky: they want someone who doesn’t put up with time wasting or manipulation; who has self-respect and in turn, respect for their partner. It needs to be win/win. Be sure to treat your partner in the same way in which you expect to be treated. If they don't reciprocate - show them the door.

Having respect for yourself and having clear boundaries is an attractive quality, and in having them, a potential partner will know you are someone worth committing to. If you are looking for a long term relationship, you need to make your expectations clear from the start. Sadly, needy and desperate behaviour with weak personal boundaries will appear to be nothing more than a hook up, and you will be treated as such.

If you have been willing to accept less that great in the past, don’t beat yourself up over it – move on – and choose to become the person who won’t tolerate any crap from anyone. Decide what you are looking for, where your boundaries lie, and then accept nothing less. You deserve the best!

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Rachael Blackmore

Rachael Blackmore is a qualified counsellor and relationship therapist. She focuses on helping you explore yourself and your patterns of behavior in order to find successful, committed relationship with a partner who deserves you! She provides support for men and women searching for The One and wondering why they haven't found them yet.

Rachael believes in the power of relationship: she will build a relationship with you where trust and acceptance facilitate open communication about the things that are troubling you. She is  passionate about her work and committed to helping you explore your difficult feelings and experiences to find a way to feel better and experience life differently. With a Diploma in Therapeutic Counselling, Rachael works as an integrative  therapist. This means she draws on the Person-Centred approach and  Psychodynamic theory to work collaboratively with you to improve your mental  and emotional well-being.

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